Letters to Philosophers, Augustine

Dear Augustine,

Before I really talk to you, I must explain to those who are snooping around on the internet with nothing better to do why I'm writing you. It doesn't seem you ought to be on a list of letters to philosophers. Some would say you are more of what they now call theologians. I know, aren't theologians supposed to be philosophers too? Well they split the degrees so you can be a theologian and not a philosopher. You've probably guessed that theology has gone downhill, good guess.

Well, on to talking to you about your writing. First I want to say, City of God is awesome, it's like an encyclopedia of totally awesome thoughts. Second, Confessions appears to be out of this world. Did you read the Bible a lot before writing it? It seems like you did.

We need to talk about this whole Plato thing. Thanks to you, a lot of platonic thought has entered into Christian theology. I'm not saying it's all bad, but boy, this physical world does have value, perhaps even equal with the non-physical. I know that God as a being is non-physical, but what about Jesus, man. He's got a physical body, and we're supposed to be like him. I think that says something about the importance of the body. That Plato stuff, shouldn't have sniffed it so strongly, it made you a bit high, metaphorically speaking. If you did burn books to get a better understanding of those dudes, that explains why we're missing a lot of Greek literature.

So why is Hippo, Hippo? Did you guys have hippopotamuses there? Your just war theory is a bit odd. I don't think you've been involved in a war before. Okay, yes you had the Muslims knocking loudly at your door when you died, but you came up with your just war theory, I assume, before all that happened. Come on man, war is terrible stuff. You seem like a utilitarian when you say violence is justified if it brings peace. Oh wait, utilitarianism isn't evil. You don't even know what that is, Jeremy Bentham ring a bell? I didn't expect so. I won't explain it, it takes erasing your concept of justice, I think.

To conclude, you're a really humble guy. You didn't even want to become bishop of Hippo, not that I would either. I mean come on, Who'd want to be in charge of the spiritual welfare of a some place called Hippo, sounds fat. Anyway, they made you a doctor. I know, I know, no one asked you, just like when they elected you bishop. The church is just really mean about those things.

Sincerely,
David Pulliam

p.s. I meant the visible church...